With Only Hours of July Left, Terrified Americans Brace for August 1st Headlines

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America – With only hours left in July, Americans nationwide are shutting themselves into their homes and anxiously waiting to see what sort of batshit crazy headlines await them on August 1st.

Following a year that has produced headlines and people who have acted out every bit of sci-fi horror possible, there are several clear frontrunners of what may be the new plague/insane person/event that rocks America to its core:

  1.  Disaster after Scientists For Some Reason Decide to Revive 1 Million Old Microbes
  2. NASA/Space Force/SpaceX Are Fastracking Space Vehicles Weeks Before (Just Yesterday), Pentagon Confesses It Has a UFO Tracking Unit That It Will Disclose In Coming Weeks
  3. Thousands of Fish Are Catching Herpes and Turning Up Dead, Threatening America’s Fish Industry

 

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